this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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