1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
