You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
