I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
