If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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