I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
