the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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