We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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