Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
