Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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