This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
