You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
