I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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