Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
