Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
