i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
