I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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