i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
