I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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