U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my phone needs a breathalizer
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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