I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
