Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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