so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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