I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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