just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
