so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
