I think I died a long time ago.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
