Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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