he was CRYING into my vagina
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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