i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
