Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
