You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
