Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
