Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
your penis
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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