Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
