I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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