Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
