we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
BRING THE BAGELS
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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