Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
