she smelled like a LAN party
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
