I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Boobs speak an international language.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
