I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
