So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
