Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
