sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
