I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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