so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
