i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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