that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
