Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
